I ask as she climbs the high ladder and doesn’t want to use both hands.
“to keep me safe!” She quips back as she begins to do a safer version of her game. It’s been our call and response since she could talk. What’s been my job for the past 2 years of pandemic life? Keep her safe. Feeling like a giant ass failure today.
Luckily it’s so far just the sniffles, but damn do I feel guilty. I know logically there was no way I could keep her completely isolated for 2 years, but I’m just so so angry. Angry that selfish people have kept this going for so long, angry that I sent her to school, and angry that there’s no vaccine for her age group.
Fingers crossed it stays mild. Fingers crossed I do a better job keeping her safe.
I have a pattern in Knitty! KNITTY! You know, the online magazine/blog that was THE resource in the early days of the knitting revival? My toes are curling just thinking about it.
To recap, for those of you that are new here. I’ve done some pretty cool things, knitting wise. Several books , a few other books as a contributor, patterns online, patterns in print, a few appearances on the long gone DIY network… it’s been a fun time! I’m not KNOWN per se, but I’m not UNKNOWN either.
Still, imposter syndrome is a thing, and let me tell you, it’s a BIG thing when this pattern was selected for Knitty. It doesn’t help of course that my brain is going BLERGHALFLARP (side note, I retyped this a few times to get exactly what I wanted phonetically) lately. I’m in the midst of UK edits for the Iceland books, working on something super huge big with Strange Brew, as well as all the mundane stuff with Strange Brew. Keeping a 4 year old alive, entertained and thriving during a mothereffing pandemic, as well as working on a few outlines for new projects. Hence, BLERGHALFLARP.
But, I’m very proud of this design. The yarn is an absolute dream, and I feel like there’s a lot of versatility with the pattern. I won’t lie, the colorwork gets a bit shirty sometimes. However if you want to make it easier, you can always remove the blue from the bee’s wings and the flowers! I’ve made this sweater twice now, and I’m getting ready to make another, though this time I’m going with a heavier weight yarn, just because I need to bust it out of my stash!
I really hope you enjoy this pattern, and it feels so good to finally be getting back to doing what I love!
This is me. This is me after losing the last pregnancy I could ever possibly have. Pushing 190lbs, and sad as fuck.
Now, let me stress: If you look like this that is OKAY. There is nothing wrong with being one weight or another. I was close to this weight and pretty happy! I had my baby, I had lots of fun, I felt great. Then, I got pregnant and immediately gained weight. Then I lost the baby and gained more weight. I had 20lbs that to me, represented one of the worst things that had ever happened to me. I sat on the couch and FELT IT. That extra bit of tummy was a reminder that my body had been prepping for a baby, and sad about losing a baby. I couldn’t stand it.
I felt like I was spiraling. I had no one to talk to. No one who understood what I was going through. I went into our last IVF pretty nonchalant. If it worked, it worked and if it didn’t, who cares! I was not prepared for the emotional havoc of a miscarriage. I honestly thought it wouldn’t be that big of a deal. But oh, it was. It still is. There are no words for the grief sometimes.
So, I knew I had to do something. I was not being the best Mom that I could be to Evelyn. I was constantly stressed and sad. I decided that I needed to get back to myself. I decided to turn to my Peloton. We had gotten the bike a while back, and I really loved riding it! I enjoyed the hi-fives, and the different rides and instructors. I thought, “what if I use this bike every single day? Just take a minimum of 10 minutes that is just for me, no matter what?” (I usually did a Hannah Frankson ride, as her classes just made me happy! I always felt good about myself afterwards.)
It seemed pretty reasonable honestly. So every day, I got on the bike for at least 10 minutes. And every day it felt really, really good. Then one day during a ride, Cody said, “If you’re not doing the strength classes you’re only getting half the story”. I had never tried the strength classes before but I started adding in one or two, here and there.
Soon I discovered the Hardcore on the Floor group on Facebook. Every month there is a calendar for strength. It seemed overwhelming at first, so I just promised to do one of the 10 minute classes each day. (The calendar is usually broken into 10/10/20 minute classes)
Every day it seemed like I would add a little more, until after a few months, I was usually doing the entire stack every day.
It didn’t take long for the 20 “sad pounds” as I called them, to go away. I felt a thousand times lighter. So I just kept going.
Now I feel so happy. My body can DO THINGS again. I’m strong, I can pick Evelyn up and swing her around. I can help my husband lift a heavy Ikea storage unit into our mud room.
I’m still stressed because, hello pandemic! But I feel more in control of myself, and lighter, metaphorically. And of course, physically. I’ve lost about 60lbs and gained a ridiculous amount of muscle.
Technically I lost 65lbs, but to maintain that I had to eat super duper clean. And frankly I enjoy making (and eating) cookies. And the occasional cake pop at 430am with my morning coffee. If I can look the way I look while still getting to eat whatever I want (within reason) then that is a perfect balance for me. I do my workout stack every day, ride the bike and feel so, so good.
I’m so grateful that I invested in this bike, and decided I was worth the monthly cost. It’s cheaper and easier than a gym, and something that works for me! (And now Dill, as he’s started riding the bike almost every day as well)
Again, I’m going to stress that this wasn’t really about weight loss. This was about being happy with myself, and making sure I took a minimum of 10 minutes a day to devote to ME and nobody else. I hope if you’re struggling, you can find that for yourself as well!
I hate that I don’t get to play as much as I want to. I went to a friends house a few weeks ago, picked up a guitar and my brain went BLARGHHHH. Which is about the sound the guitar made as well. (Though to be fair to myself, I was very, very drunk)
When Dills former drummer reached out and asked us to play a cover of “That Thing You Do” with him, we agreed. I hadn’t really paid attention to the bass line before but OH. MY. GOSH. It was pretty humbling to learn that song, especially after not playing bass for so long. But it was tons of fun, and it made me miss playing even more.
Now that Evelyn is getting older, I can sneak in a little more time. I can at least play some Taylor Swift songs on the guitar and she will sing along, though dragging out my bass isn’t as entertaining for her!
Anyway, please enjoy our little video. It was incredibly fun to do! (Get it, to do? That thing? Haha, oh I owe a dollar to the Dad Joke jar!)
It’s what I ask myself every single day. Taking Evelyn with me into a store, masked of course, but most people aren’t. Is this okay? Is this the moment we get sick?
Taking her to school is of COURSE full anxiety. Very little masking, and even if everyone was, they take them off to eat and to nap. Is this okay? Is she going to get sick?
A meetup with friends. Outdoors. Mask free. People who follow similar guidelines to us. Is this okay? Are we going to get sick? Are we going to get THEM sick? I don’t know if I could stand the guilt of giving someone’s kid covid.
Almost 2 years of this stress and it’s just wearing me down. We did so much of it isolated as well. Since we own a public facing business, there are risks our friends were comfortable taking that we just couldn’t. A covid case among the staff in the early days would have meant a 2 week shutdown. 2 weeks were we couldn’t pay our employees, our landlord, or ourselves.
Then slowly, the world started to open up, but not really for us. We still had to practice a lot of caution, since we have an unvaccinated kid. Most of our friends weren’t as worried, since their kids had been in school the whole time. But we had kept Evelyn home, so we weren’t yet numb to that stress and anxiety. I think knowing people who had kids with covid that weren’t okay afterwards, and are still dealing with some of the side effects from “mild” cases made it even worse.
We lost friendships. Well, I should say that I lost friendships. I was the one asking “is this gathering safe? Is everyone vaccinated? Should we all wear masks even though we’re outdoors?” Those are the questions that can piss people off, and my friends let me know that no, asking that isn’t okay. That was hard. Still not okay from that.
Taking Evelyn to activities. Swim class isn’t as distanced as I’d like. But the pool is well ventilated. She wears a mask until she’s in the water. Is this okay?
Gymnastics. She wears a mask. The instructor wears a mask. The other kids don’t. Is this okay? The other kids her age are so much farther ahead then her. They’ve been going to class almost uninterrupted during the pandemic. We kept her home to keep her safe, but now she’s so far behind. Is she okay? Did we do the right thing?
I’ve spent 2 years on the verge of tears on a daily basis. I don’t feel okay. But is she okay? Will she be okay? If I focus on that goal I can get through this. Keep her okay.
Finally starting to catch up on some of the Drunk Knitting videos that Kyle and I filmed. It’s amazing what almost 2 years of a pandemic with a kid in quarantine/lockdown 90% of the time can do to your productivity! (By amazing I mean it kills your productivity. RIP)
BUT I’m starting to make some headway. I was waylaid by technical issues that I couldn’t get past for months, (mainly because I had exactly 10 minutes every 3rd Sunday to try and get past them) but I’ve fixed the issues, and now I can get back to editing! (Of course as soon as I started making this progress, Evelyn’s class got shutdown for another 14 days. Thankfully she isn’t sick, so it just gets to be a minor annoyance, instead of a fear of our child suffering permanent effects of covid)
Anyway, this was one of my favorite episodes to film. Hera is amazing. So personable and kind, an amazing knitter, and incredible musician. I could listen to her music all day! Filming this episode meant we were treated to a private concert. You can find her on the web at www.herasings.com and I hope that if you haven’t heard of her before, you buy one of her albums and give it a listen!
There’s so damn much to say about this trip. Of course most of it will be in the book, but there are so many things beyond the book that I can talk about.
The trip there was… interesting. The flight to Iceland was overbooked, so much so that they were offering people 1k to give up their seat. I would have done it if they had another flight the next day!
It was also my first experience with pandemic travel. I hated it. I of course don’t love wearing a mask (but of course I do because I’m not a dick) but man my ears were hurting by the end! And so many people just… didn’t wear them on the plane. It was stressful!
But of course, everything is worth it when you get there. Iceland is beautiful. There’s a reason that is one of the first things people say about it. On a cloudy day it feels like you’re in a mystery novel. The clouds hang so low you feel like you should be able to reach up and touch them. On a sunny day you’re in the fairy realm, where everything is too pretty to be real.
And of course… the knitting. Sweaters everywhere. Sheep, and wool, and a country that appreciates the knit as something not only beautiful and creative, but as a necessary part of life. Knitters are most definitely a part of Iceland, and traveling there as one makes you feel SEEN.
The hardest part of the trip was most definitely being away from Evelyn. I had never been away from her for so long, and during the pandemic we were together 24/7! ( I say during the pandemic as if the damn thing is over!) We only chatted for a few minutes each day, but by the last 72 hours I was DONE with being away from her. It’s probably the point where my normally positive outlook started breaking down. (We had also gotten caught in a torrential downpour on the back to the RV from the hot river, and we never actually got completely dry after that. Like, ever. There’s something about being just a little bit DAMP that can ruin even the best of moods)
Again, everything will be in the book, and there is just so much to tell. But when the pandemic finally ends (that will happen someday, right?) get yourself to Iceland. We plan on going back as soon as we can. Our plan had always been to take Evelyn on tons of adventures to other states and countries. And every time I go I meet another knitter, and learn a cool technique or a bit of history. (I think my favorite story of all time will be the elderly knitter explaining how a shipwreck and multiple amputations led to her learning a cool knitting pattern)
No matter how much the world sucks, at least I can pick up needles and yarn and make something happen. I’ve been knitting lots of cardigans for Evelyn, since she’s small and I can whip something up quickly! I have had these buttons forever, so I was very excited to finally get to use them!
is the time going? It’s just slipping away from me! I’ll do a proper post at some point, but oh my goodness. The stress of these “interesting times” we are living in would break down the strongest of us. Trying to keep a child safe when the world has decided to leave kids on their own when it comes to covid, trying to keep a business afloat and a staff safe when customers have, as a collective, lost their humanity. (Though we are so so lucky. 99 percent of our customers are amazing. But oh that one percent….)
There will be more, in the brief moments that Evelyn is asleep and I’m not working on edits, new patterns, the neverending wave of laundry and shop work.