joanofdark

Why I only have one or two parties every year....

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Jul 202010

Last weekend we had our annual summer party. It involves renting THIS:

Drinking lots of THESE:

And slowly but surely watching things dissolve into mass chaos.

There were a TON of people in and around my house. Some of them were naked. These things just happen. I can’t post the majority of the pictures or video taken, so I’ll share some of my twitter feed:

There are boobies, booties, and ass beatings.

My house is madness!

Omg! Someone hired a stripper!

Who the heck hires a male stripper for a bunch of lesbians?

It is dissolving into madness!

I am drunk and on twitter

Topless jousting… knew it would happen.

Right. Drunk fireworks were a GREAT IDEA!!!!

Here come the body shots…

Holy shit is it only 1039??? Uh oh…

Like all derby parties, there becomes a wall sit competition. Becomes? What? You know what imsayin…

From topless jousting to nekkid jousting…

And my tweet from the next morning: “Has anyone seen my shoes”???

We went to bed around 4am. If you ever decide to have your own roller girl jousting madness party, here are my words of advice:

1.Don’t let the stripper in the door. Especially if he’s orange and smells funny and NOT dressed up like a cop the way he was supposed to be.

2. Leave the guitars out. It’s hilarity.

3. Bubble gum vodka is the devil.

4. If you decide to take your clothes off and race cars in the street or run around the house, make sure to carry your clothing with you. Otherwise the other girls will hide them.

5. Tag team jousting is where it’s at.

6. There are no rules in jousting. None. No. Rules.

7. Only allow cameras manned by those you trust. You do NOT need to be tagged in some of these pictures and plastered around face book for the world to see. Your friends will take pictures. But your derby girls (and derby photogs) will put them in a private file and not let your reputation become sullied.

8. Green Chartreuse is also the devil. (but sooo yummy)

9. At some point, someone should take your phone away and cut off your twitter access.

10. When your husband/boyfriend/girlfriend/wife can no longer stand, is missing their shoes, and only wearing one sock with no knowledge of where the other one went, put them to bed.

Here are a few of the safer pictures from the night.

The girls decide to feast on Sassy Burrito, but found her lacking in meat.

If more safe pictures from the night surface, I will post them. Unfortunately it was a night full of madness and debauchery. Which is why I only have derby parties a couple of times per year. Only so much madness my calm suburban neighborhood can tolerate!

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A much overdue ECE post...

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Jul 052010

*all photos by Marc Lebryk

I should have written this long, long ago, but I’ve been incredibly busy, with many deadlines hanging over my shoulder, so the blog had to take a backseat for a few weeks!

The road trip to Philly for the East Coast Extravaganza started off just right. We got on the bus and found COOKIES! Our lovely driver had left them on the seats for us! Adorable!

I slept for most of the 12 hour trip. I love sleep. I never get enough of it so normally, as long as I don’t have a ton of adrenaline going (post bout or post practice) I can curl up like a cat and sleep anytime, anywhere.

We got there pretty early on Friday night, enough time to sit suicide for Windy City Roller Girls vs. Gotham City Roller Girls.
Holy hell. THAT WAS DERBY!!!! Those teams are both amazing, and it was an absolute privilege to get to see them. That bout alone was worth the trip!
My main observations? Suzy Hotrod has the most enviable ass in derby and this girl from Windy City has big boobs.


Oh, and both teams were incredibly fast, GREAT at offensive, and some super skilled footwork on the Gotham City jammers part! (see, I paid attention)!

Saturday we had an early game against Maine, the MRD Port Authorities. It was a good game, with lots of lead changes. We ended up with a come from behind victory in the final jam. Excellent derby! Our fouls were frustrating us. One of us was in the box at all times! Honestly, some were deserved, of course, some just confused me personally. Our last tournament, Spring Roll, we didn’t have nearly as many fouls, with almost the same line up. I think it’s just traveling, with different refs than we usually see at home, they’re going to call things differently. Which is WHY travel is so important for a team! It was a great learning experience for us.

The Maine girls were a really cool team. Didn’t get to talk to them much after, but they were all smiles and hi-fives.
I saw one weird NSO call, and if there are any refs or NSO’s out there that know the situation to clear this up for me, post it in the comments!
During the Northstar Roller Girls vs. Nashville Roller Girls, the Nashville jammer got sent to the box. She sat for about 15 seconds, then the Northstar jammer got sent to the box. As soon as she saw the Northstar jammer coming, the Nashville jammer got up and skated around the outside to hop back in the pack BEFORE the Northstar jammer sat down in penalty. Saw this happen not once, but TWICE. Confused the heck out of me, since my understanding is that the Nashville jammer couldn’t be released from penalty until the Northstar jammer actually sat in penalty.
Anyone out there see this and know what the weirdness was?

Our second and final bout was against DC. They got a good lead on us at the end of the first half, and though we closed the gap at the end, it wasn’t enough. Again, foul trouble. There was one weird call in that one, and again, if a ref is reading, chime in!
One of our players got sent to penalty. She sits, gets release, and as the pack is coming around, the ref calls, “No pack”! then “pack is here”! pointing to the front of the pack. A couple blockers and the jammers were straggling well over 20 feet behind. So our player hops out of penalty and gets behind the first section of pack, where the ref had called the pack. Whistle blows, and she’s sent back to the box for not entering behind the pack.
Either a ref didn’t realize that the first ref had called the front the pack, or I don’t fully understand the rule. My understanding, is that since the back half wasn’t part of the pack, she could enter in front of them. Refs? Anyone with insight?

After that bout we stripped down and hopped in the pool. Our plan was a quick swim, then back on the bus for the long drive home. One of our girls is a firefighter, another a surgical tech, and BOTH would have been in some deep crap if they didn’t report to work Monday morning!

I was bummed we didn’t get to talk to DC. They seemed like a really cool team. I said hi to one of them at the pool, but considering I was out of uniform, dripping wet, and lugging my suitcase around I was not surprised that she gave me the wigged out, “Who the hell are you and why are you saying Hi to me look”?

After that it was back on the bus for 12 hours. I shall not blog about what went on during that bus ride. Not a lot of sleeping though. Hmm. Okay I’ll blog one thing about the bus trip.

TITO!!!!!!!!!!!
There. That’s my one thing.

I am so, so glad that we got to participate in ECE this year! I got to meet several girls that I’ve only talked to on Ravelry or Twitter. Got heckled by a girl with a southern drawl who shouted, “Alan Moore can kick Neil Gaiman in the ass”!!!!!

I also discovered that almost everyone on my team agrees with me that having a girl crush on Tin Lizzie from Northstar Roller Girls is perfectly acceptable. She was not skating that weekend, and it really bummed me out. But she WAS coaching on the bench, so we all got to oogle. That made up for it.

I could write on and on about my love affair with the weekend. A girl asked me to sign my book, I love Montreal roller derby, made some new friends, hung with some refs and NSO’s, swam in the pool even though I had no swimsuit…

I hope that as a league we get more travel in this year. I have been loving these experiences!

Very Random Picture Post

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Jun 242010

In other words, I cleaned off my cell phone.

This darlings, is why you ALWAYS come to a party when I invite you. Asian riding Racer while Racer does push ups. Win.

I wish I could remember where I got that dress. I need one in every color. Loved it. That was taken on my way to my friend Nay’s wedding. Their wedding song? Don’t Stop Belivin’. I love my friends.

My friend Donnie redid an old tattoo of mine. He used to live/work in Indy, now he’s in Chicago and he’s awesome. If you are in the Chi-town area and want a tattoo, I will more than gladly give you his info!

And finally, Lenore has a ribbon on her head. Your argument is invalid.

Naked Llama!

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Jun 212010

I’ve been trying to find someone to shear my llama since the temp got over 80 degrees. Poor Flippy has been sitting in kiddie pools, playing in the sprinkler, doing anything he can to beat the heat!
Finally Saturday I found a woman who was willing to handle my *ahem* feisty llama! She came out, tied a towel over his head (to work as a blindfold and spit catcher) and started shearing. It took about 2 hours to take Flippy from a this:

to this:

After that his feet got clipped, he got his shots, and got worm junk squirted down his throat.
He was NOT HAPPY.

As soon as we took the towel off his face and turned him loose he GLARED. Such a pissed off llama! In his very dignified llama manner, he snorted dewormer all over us, stepped into his kiddie pool, and started licking his salt lick.

An hour later he was over being angry, as he felt incredibly cool! He hopped and skipped around with the mini horses, got into the bag of treats, tore a small branch off a tree and took off running with it… back to normal for Flippy I would say!

Some things I've noticed from derby...

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Jun 172010

1. I have just as many socks without feet (for under my elbow pads) as I have socks with feet.

2. My contact list on my phone reads like a call girl list. Sweet C, Strawberry Jam, etc.

3. If I go to an all night store, I am very likely to be handed pamphlets advising me how to escape from my abusive relationship.

4. My cats will always sniff my shoes after practice and make the “stinky face”.

5. It is quite possible that my neighbors think I’m a hooker. I walk out of the house at odd hours in panties, tights, knee high socks, and carrying a suitcase. (for my skates) Sometimes, when we have an event, I’m wearing hot pants and a corset, or a tutu, or some other mad get up. I come home after several hours limping and bow legged. They don’t let their children talk to me anymore…

6. I have to physically be stopped from treating the grocery store as my own personal derby track. Apparently hip checking in aisle 3 is not socially acceptable.

7. Hanging out with derby girls has made it so that I am, in general, no longer socially acceptable.

8. I have forgotten that “normal” people will not respond with the same amount of delight that I am used to when I pull my pants down in public and show them THE BIGGEST ASS BRUISE EVER.

9. Ditto for the bruises on my boobs.

10. When the people come to your door and asked whether or not you are saved, it’s apparently not OK to burst into a chorus of Uncle Leon and the Alibis, “Roller Derby Saved My Soul”.

11. My lawn will never be mowed in a timely manner again. (Until I learn how to mow in skates)

12. I own more pairs of tights than I do pants.

13. If someone grabs my ass at a bar, I don’t get pissed. I just assume it’s a derby girl. (If it’s not, I fully expect all my fellow girls to bring the pain)

14. I am far more comfortable touching strange girls on the butt than I ever thought I would be.

15. I care more about shiny bearings than I do about shiny jewels.

16. It’s a lot harder to get a black eye than movies and books lead you to believe.

17. Ditto for split lip.

1065 Siren Skates Review

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Jun 172010

My skates came in! I have to hand it to Riedell, when I put my order in with Sin City Skates, I was told 4-6 weeks, and to be happy if I got them within 6 weeks, since they were being custom made.
They shipped in 3 weeks! So yay Riedell and Sin City!

I had custom colors, pink and purple. Reactor plates, which are a couple steps up from what I’ve been skating on. The package came with Zodiac Wheels and Kwik KSN bearings. I decided to try out the wheels, since they’re narrow like my current skinny G-Rods, but I wanted to swap out the bearings with my ceramic bones. Easier said than done, since two of those suckers would NOT come out. It was so close to practice time I just left the two stuck ones in.

My initial reaction to skating on these was that someone had chopped off my feet and put two new feet in their place! After so many years on my 265’s these new skates felt totally alien! It felt like taking my Saturn keys away and sticking me in a Vanquish! The skates kept getting away from my feet at first and I felt a bit out of control.

Fit wise, the boot is amazing! I have no blisters after our practice, no bruising or bleeding on my feet, (teeny bit of rubbing on my ankle, but to be expected) they were just perfect! (And bless Sin City for talking me down a size. For real) The heel lock on the boot? Brilliant! Why didn’t Riedell do that years ago??? My heel did not BUDGE during practice. Such an incredible feeling!
The boot itself is going to be no problem to get used to. The plate on the other hand… it’s going to take some track time!
By the end of a two hour practice, I felt a lot more comfortable. I’m eager to see how I feel after our practice tonight.

Oh and what does a 2 hour practice do to shiny new skates????

*sigh* It had to happen eventually…

It's a good week for books.

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Jun 152010

Today was the release of STORIES. Since I was going in late to work today I decided to pick up a copy!
Called a bookstore. Didn’t have it, never heard of it, never heard of the author… WHAT???
Since we had to hit the mall anyway (shudder) we decided to pop into Barnes and Noble to see if they had it. Check the computer… yes! Sci/Fi fantasy section.
Go to sci/fi fantasy section… no book. Ask worker, she looks up on computer, goes to sci/fi fantasy section… no book. She asks another worker, they point us to sci/fi fantasy section… yea, hasn’t materialized. After about 45 minutes, we’re pouring over the new release table, and there it was! Hidden under some autobiography from some American Idol kid. (Really? How can you be that young and need an autobiography?)

Anyway, snagged my STORIES, and saw Mr. Dill Her0 nudge the remaining copies into a more prominent position.

Also, I did NOT intentionally wear this shirt. It was just a clean black shirt, which I wear a lot of.

So if you need a copy and live in Indiana, B&N Greenwood has about 4 left!

Once upon a time...

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Jun 142010

I played in a rock band…

and we got to play with cool bands like Fair Verona, L7, Rusted Root, Avec, Killjoy Confetti, and Perfect Nothing.

Some days I miss it. That’s all.

What I learned from Roller Derby...

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Jun 142010

My body is capable of way more than I ever thought it was.

Lately we’ve been upping our game. Our core is getting more intense than ever. Yesterday during a plank, I felt like my abs were tearing, my shoulders were burning, and there was absolutely no way I could possibly hold it for another second.
But I did. And then another, and another, and another…

It’s been that way for the past few months. Our coaches ask the impossible from our bodies, and our bodies surprise us by doing what is asked. I would never know what I’m capable of on my own. When I work out on my own, I do my reps, I follow what I “think” I should be doing. When I work out for derby, I do exercises that I would never attempt, reps and lengths that seem way out of my capabilities.
Only they aren’t out of my capability at all! Except I would never know that without this sport. It’s pushing me to give more and be better, for myself and my team.

Now if only my coaches could scream that final 10lbs off my body…

Spinning!

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Jun 042010

I spun some cool stuff!

Some blue and purple. I dyed the fiber then spun it.

Some green I dyed with Kool Aid

Some pink I dyed with kool aid and acid dye mixed together

Some very cool multi colored yarn! I purchased this fiber from THIS etsy shop, one of my faves!

Speaking of which, Rachel and I reopened our etsy in anticipation of the Handiecraft festival next weekend.
It’s still a little bare bones right now, but in a few weeks it’ll be filled with all sorts of cool things!

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