Some words of advice if your girl decides to take up derby:
1. If she gets naked, and tells you to “come look at my ass, quick”! don’t get excited. She just wants to show you a new bruise shaped EXACTLY like an Atom wheel.
2. If she’s fully clothed, and tells you to “come look at my ass, quick”! again, don’t get excited. She just wants to show you that her ass is now so well developed, she can balance a beer on it.
3. If she’s whining about how much pain she is in, do NOT, repeat, do NOT, say, “why don’t you just give up derby”. This will only result in,
a) cold shoulder
b) yells of “you don’t understand”!
c) the ENTIRE TEAM giving you the cold shoulder for your lack of support.
4. If she is whining about how much time derby takes, see #3.
5. Just accept the fact that sometimes her sweat will smell like beer.
6. Also just accept that your formerly demure, sweet, and quiet girl, may forget that she’s not in the company of 60 other roller girls, and smell her pits in public.
7. If you smell something funky in your living area, it’s the skate bag. Find it, hide it far away from you. Do not, under any circumstances, open the bag.
8. When she comes home and announces that she’s going to wash out her pads, find an excuse, any excuse, to leave the house before she gets them out of her bag. Run fast.
9. Do not be alarmed if she has a “wife” in the league. It’s nothing personal.
10. When she is on her period, chances are, the entire league is on their period. All 30-80 of them. Keep it in mind.
11. She will consider panties appropriate attire. Don’t try to fight it.
12. Don’t waste your money on jewelry. She wants new wheels. If you really want to get laid, new wheels AND bearings.
13. It’s not a good idea to let her drive if she’s just been skating. She will see the car as one giant roller skate, and every other driver as the opposing team.
14. Those cute feet that you love? Say your goodbyes. They will develop blisters, “pusher creatures”, bruises and bunions. Make sure to tell her “they’re not that bad” when she goes to wear flip flops in the summer.
15. If you’re a girl dating a roller girl, don’t try to fight it. You’ll probably become one too.
16. If you’re a guy dating a girl, either accept your derby widow status, or try to support her by supporting the league as a volunteer.
17. Overall, say goodbye to the girl you once knew. She’s been replaced by a roller girl. She’s still the same person, just stronger, more confident(and if you’re smart) to you, a million times more beautiful.