Is this okay?

It’s what I ask myself every single day. Taking Evelyn with me into a store, masked of course, but most people aren’t. Is this okay? Is this the moment we get sick?

Taking her to school is of COURSE full anxiety. Very little masking, and even if everyone was, they take them off to eat and to nap. Is this okay? Is she going to get sick?

A meetup with friends. Outdoors. Mask free. People who follow similar guidelines to us. Is this okay? Are we going to get sick? Are we going to get THEM sick? I don’t know if I could stand the guilt of giving someone’s kid covid.

Almost 2 years of this stress and it’s just wearing me down. We did so much of it isolated as well. Since we own a public facing business, there are risks our friends were comfortable taking that we just couldn’t. A covid case among the staff in the early days would have meant a 2 week shutdown. 2 weeks were we couldn’t pay our employees, our landlord, or ourselves.

Then slowly, the world started to open up, but not really for us. We still had to practice a lot of caution, since we have an unvaccinated kid. Most of our friends weren’t as worried, since their kids had been in school the whole time. But we had kept Evelyn home, so we weren’t yet numb to that stress and anxiety. I think knowing people who had kids with covid that weren’t okay afterwards, and are still dealing with some of the side effects from “mild” cases made it even worse.

We lost friendships. Well, I should say that I lost friendships. I was the one asking “is this gathering safe? Is everyone vaccinated? Should we all wear masks even though we’re outdoors?” Those are the questions that can piss people off, and my friends let me know that no, asking that isn’t okay. That was hard. Still not okay from that.

Taking Evelyn to activities. Swim class isn’t as distanced as I’d like. But the pool is well ventilated. She wears a mask until she’s in the water. Is this okay?

Gymnastics. She wears a mask. The instructor wears a mask. The other kids don’t. Is this okay? The other kids her age are so much farther ahead then her. They’ve been going to class almost uninterrupted during the pandemic. We kept her home to keep her safe, but now she’s so far behind. Is she okay? Did we do the right thing?

I’ve spent 2 years on the verge of tears on a daily basis. I don’t feel okay. But is she okay? Will she be okay? If I focus on that goal I can get through this. Keep her okay.