Mommy failings

First off, forgive any typos in this blog post. I asked Dill to get me a new keyboard and he was very proud of himself for finding a great deal on one. It arrived and… it’s Swedish. So when I go to hit my left shift key I tend to hit \\ a lot. Also I can’t find the apostrophe when I look for it. I’m automatically hitting it, but when I try to FIND it, no dice.

I’ve had a few moments of feeling like I wasn’t doing the best at this Mom thing. When it took forever for my breast milk to come in, when I realized that my dreams of having a spotless home just weren’t happening with a baby that wants to be in my arms 24/7 and when my body hasn’t instantly bounced back. In fact, it’s worse than ever. If I restrict calories, my supply tanks. If I do a high impact workout, the lactic acid builds up and Evelyn is not fond of the taste.

But while those things might not make me the super mom I thought I would be, I haven’t really cared. Anything for my baby. If I’ve got to be a little extra fat for a year so she can get the best nutrition possible, who cares? I can do that! If I can’t go out because she doesn’t like the bottle… whatever. She’s only a baby once. I can stay home.

And it’s been working. We overall have a happy, wonderful baby. She smiles, she babbles and cuddles, and her cries are never a mystery. She’s either hungry or dirty. And nothing, NOTHING pierces my heart like when she frowns and cries and looks at me to let me know something is wrong. So I fix it, and I fix it FAST. I thought I would discreetly cover and breastfeed, but no. My baby is hungry, that boob is coming OUT. If you don’t want to see it, look away.

Then came yesterday. We’d had sort of a rough week and there’s been some stress. We’ve been car shopping (ugh), and trying to get some things under control at work. Overall though, everything has been okay. Dill invited a family member over who wanted to see Evelyn, and I decided I would let them handle baby time while I indulged in a bath.

Sink into the tub and I hear a cry start to build up from the other room. Got dried off, and dressed, and at this point cry is near hysterical. Ok, no problem. There’s been a feeding delay before and I know all the tricks to getting her calmed down and latched on. Should take 2 minutes, tops. Three minutes, five minutes, ten minutes pass… what the heck is going on with my baby?
I strip her down and turn on the bath water. She LOVES her baths. It usually instantly soothes her, but nope. Still hysterical.

My poor baby girl screamed her head off for over an hour. Family member had to leave as I attempted to rock and soothe my girl. She kept looking me in the face while screaming like she was begging me to fix what was wrong.

I’ve had failure in my life before, but never have I felt like a failure, until I couldn’t bring my baby some peace. About 5 minutes after the family member leaving, she was nursing and happy. Everything was fine, but I felt shaken. I had never, ever let my daughter down like that. I’d never tried so hard with her and failed.

I’m sure this is not the first time this will happen, but man, it was exhausting. All you parents with colicy babies, I owe you a hug. Crying babies are HARD. And now I’m nervous because we’re going to an event tomorrow with Evelyn. What if this happens again? How do you deal with a baby meltdown in public when none of the calming tricks work? WHY CAN’T YOU REASON WITH BABIES?

I’m staying home and cuddling her today, and I’ll attempt to get some work done. I have a Drunk Knitting episode to edit (Yay! It’s back)!Taxes to wrap up and a couple new designs to work on. Also if I can somehow lose 10lbs and get my muscles back by tomorrow that would be great.

Smiling Evelyn, to remind myself that happy is the norm.