TW: Miscarriage and weight loss talk ahead.
This is me. This is me after losing the last pregnancy I could ever possibly have. Pushing 190lbs, and sad as fuck.
Now, let me stress: If you look like this that is OKAY. There is nothing wrong with being one weight or another. I was close to this weight and pretty happy! I had my baby, I had lots of fun, I felt great. Then, I got pregnant and immediately gained weight. Then I lost the baby and gained more weight. I had 20lbs that to me, represented one of the worst things that had ever happened to me. I sat on the couch and FELT IT. That extra bit of tummy was a reminder that my body had been prepping for a baby, and sad about losing a baby. I couldn’t stand it.
I felt like I was spiraling. I had no one to talk to. No one who understood what I was going through. I went into our last IVF pretty nonchalant. If it worked, it worked and if it didn’t, who cares! I was not prepared for the emotional havoc of a miscarriage. I honestly thought it wouldn’t be that big of a deal. But oh, it was. It still is. There are no words for the grief sometimes.
So, I knew I had to do something. I was not being the best Mom that I could be to Evelyn. I was constantly stressed and sad. I decided that I needed to get back to myself. I decided to turn to my Peloton. We had gotten the bike a while back, and I really loved riding it! I enjoyed the hi-fives, and the different rides and instructors. I thought, “what if I use this bike every single day? Just take a minimum of 10 minutes that is just for me, no matter what?” (I usually did a Hannah Frankson ride, as her classes just made me happy! I always felt good about myself afterwards.)
It seemed pretty reasonable honestly. So every day, I got on the bike for at least 10 minutes. And every day it felt really, really good. Then one day during a ride, Cody said, “If you’re not doing the strength classes you’re only getting half the story”. I had never tried the strength classes before but I started adding in one or two, here and there.
Soon I discovered the Hardcore on the Floor group on Facebook. Every month there is a calendar for strength. It seemed overwhelming at first, so I just promised to do one of the 10 minute classes each day. (The calendar is usually broken into 10/10/20 minute classes)
Every day it seemed like I would add a little more, until after a few months, I was usually doing the entire stack every day.
It didn’t take long for the 20 “sad pounds” as I called them, to go away. I felt a thousand times lighter. So I just kept going.
Now I feel so happy. My body can DO THINGS again. I’m strong, I can pick Evelyn up and swing her around. I can help my husband lift a heavy Ikea storage unit into our mud room.
I’m still stressed because, hello pandemic! But I feel more in control of myself, and lighter, metaphorically. And of course, physically. I’ve lost about 60lbs and gained a ridiculous amount of muscle.
Technically I lost 65lbs, but to maintain that I had to eat super duper clean. And frankly I enjoy making (and eating) cookies. And the occasional cake pop at 430am with my morning coffee. If I can look the way I look while still getting to eat whatever I want (within reason) then that is a perfect balance for me. I do my workout stack every day, ride the bike and feel so, so good.
I’m so grateful that I invested in this bike, and decided I was worth the monthly cost. It’s cheaper and easier than a gym, and something that works for me! (And now Dill, as he’s started riding the bike almost every day as well)
Again, I’m going to stress that this wasn’t really about weight loss. This was about being happy with myself, and making sure I took a minimum of 10 minutes a day to devote to ME and nobody else. I hope if you’re struggling, you can find that for yourself as well!