I tried to explain to someone how I feel like I’m disappearing yesterday. They looked me up and down and I could feel the incredulity. I’m HUGE! How the heck do I think I’m disappearing?
It’s hard to explain, but until last week I felt that I looked like me, but with bigger boobs and a cute little bump on my belly! Now though, I can’t find myself in the mirror. I’ve actually avoided looking at my bare stomach because it freaks me out so much. It’s black and blue from the heparin shots of course, but it’s also so tight! It doesn’t look like my former tummy, that alternated between a 4 pack (if I turned in JUST the right light) and taco belly. (Taco belly was more often visible than abs belly)
It also feels weird. There’s no comforting squish to my stomach. It’s just this rock hard thing that hurts, and makes my back stiff and causes me pain when i try to sleep at night.
I know all of this is temporary, and I know that what matters is what’s going on INSIDE my body right now. I’m getting kicked by a baby! She’s somersaulting and twisting and making all kinds of fuss in there. She loves music, but is very picky about what makes her dance. And if I FINALLY get comfortable at night, but she doesn’t like the side I’m sleeping on, she starts digging on that side until I’m forced to rollover and find a position that she likes better. All of these things are wonderful, and cause me to cry sometimes with happiness (to be fair, so do puppies with floppy ears) but I’m still in this state of shock over what I look like right now. It’s hard to explain how I have to quell the rising panic sometimes when I look at myself. Then I feel bad, because I feel like I should be all joy and glowing wonder at my body and all the great things it’s doing, but I don’t necessarily feel that way 100% of the time.
It’s also getting really hard to play my instruments. My mandolin doesn’t fit on my lap any longer thanks to this belly!
I also had to spend yesterday wrangling a small horse into a van so he could go to the dentist. File that under: Things that are relatively easy when I’m not pregnant, but almost impossible with a giant belly.
He’s fine, but very sore, and we have learned a lesson about not letting tarter build up on his teeth.
EDIT: I feel like I should start highlighting more of the weird shit people say to me. So here’s one from a few weeks ago: “You’re pregnant! Oh it’s so amazing! As soon as you have kids you get to experience what it’s really like to have a soul!”
So in case you were childless and wondering why you didn’t show up on film….