What Sassy Ate Today…

For those of you that have read this blog, or any of my others… you are aware that Sassy Burrito the dog is an idiot. Cute. But very, very, dumb.
Last night she ate a red sharpie. What the frack is in a red sharpie that she thinks is essential to her diet? And imagine what Dan thought when he looks over and sees bright red all over the blanket and her face! Stupid dog.
So to date, this is what Sassy Burrito has eaten:

1 red sharpie
1 coke tab
1 mouth guard (15 minutes before I was supposed to leave for a game)!!!
1 pair of $80 running shoes
1 toe stop
4 sporks (in their wrappers)
2 bills
1 knitting pattern (the original.. thanks mutt)
1 harness
1 dog collar
1 Elevate That Ankle Pillow from Knockdown Knits (ARRRGH)
1 knit monster toy
3 balls of yarn
1 ball of SOCK YARN
2 bamboo double pointed needles
1 hat
1 coat
1 $1 bill
1 belt
2 blankets
3 books
6 pen caps

Not to mention the endless THINGS that she eats. Just little scraps on the floor. Fluff. Cat hair. Dust bunnies. The dog is a hoover.

Ernie, on the other hand, has eaten very little.
He has eaten 1 drum, but gotten into the trash numerous times until we got a baby lock on it. One of those times however, turned out to be much worse than anything Sassy has done!
Set the scene:
We’re getting ready to leave for work in the morning, and Ernie seems… off. He tries to jump on the couch, and can’t. He lays on the floor whimpering and panting, and when I try to pick him up, and my hand pushes he stomach, he screams like a wild dog. Flashing back to when my kitty Charcoal got cancer, and remembering how he was fine the first night, and then next day was in crazy pain, with that same reaction to his stomach being touched, I FREAKED THE FRACK OUT!!!
We scooped the dog out, and I went to the shop, while Dan waited outside the vets office for them to open. We ran tests, blood work, x-rays… racking up well over $500 in just 2 hours!!! The vet is thinking something is wrong with his spine, because he’s just in so much pain! I’m freaking out at the shop, sick with worry for my little dog. Finally while Dan and the vet are looking at the latest x-ray the vet goes, “well, he seems a little gassy…” and squeezes his stomach, causing him to let out the biggest fart in history. Eyes watering, the vet decides that Ernie has eaten something REALLY BAD and we need to figure out what the heck it is. Dan goes home, remembering that Ernie had been in the trash a couple days ago. We had cleaned everything up, but had forgotten to check under the bed, where Ernie tends to hide his contraband.
One quick look, and he found the culprit. When Ern got in the trash, he also got in the remains of our Thai food. We had cleaned up the containers and such, but apparently the dog had managed to hide about 5 red chili peppers under the bed… but there had originally been closer to 20! So he had been munching on those secretly at night and while we were at work!
Ernie ended up on morphine for his horribly painful gas, and we ended up with an $800 vet bill and a dislike of Thai food…

Which is why that one indiscretion from Ernie trumps all that Sassy has eaten… even the damn coke tab.