Living with fear

When I announced my pregnancy, I heard from so many well meaning people that you never know true love until you hold your child.

I disagree. I will say that I never knew true FEAR until I was pregnant. Fear I would lose the baby, fear the baby would succumb to SIDS, fear the baby would get taken, fear of long covid, fear the child will be part of a school shooting, fear fear fear. It’s as constant as my heartbeat. This little undercurrent of anxiety, constant, never ending. I live with it daily.

This morning, while in the school drop off line, we learned our friends had just lost their son. I remember him as a bright faced smiling kid, always polite, incredibly accomplished in school, now a young adult and new father. The fear bubbled up again as my daughter grabbed her backpack and ran into school.

I am crying for him, crying for his kids, crying for our friends. And a few tears for myself, and a new fear that even when she grows up I’ll never feel like she’s safe. Just more fear.